An Apology that Matters

“I’m sorry,” said John in a baritone voice. “Along the way, you had chances to mend your ways too. Didn’t you?”

“Yes,” he replied gruffly. “What’s an old man supposed to do though?”

“You weren’t always this way,” he sighed. “From me to you I guess we had our share of mistakes. Will you be able to forgive me?”

John sobbed like a child. “I am the one who should seek forgiveness,” he said gruffly.

 

 Andrew was slyly watching his father through a slightly open door. Tears ran down his cheeks as he saw his father shift personalities and voices to talk to himself.

“I think that’s enough,” he announced. The sight of his old father sobbing alone was too much for him to bear.

“No, wait,” said the Doctor and held his arm. “Let him be.”

“Can’t you see, Doc,” cried Andrew. “He is such a mess. I want to go in, I want to hold him, just like he held me when I wept as a child.”

“I understand your feelings,” said the Doctor. “But it’s important to let him be. Trust me, I will explain.”

 

Andrew held himself back, after all Doctor Kane was the best psychiatrist in the country. They sat on a couch and Kane offered him a coffee.

“You see, Andrew,” said the Doctor. “Through life we often seek forgiveness from loved ones and friends. But we often miss out on seeking forgiveness from the most important person.”

“God?” enquired Andrew.

“No, that’s something we do all the time. Ourselves, Andrew. Ourselves.”

“I don’t get it,” said Andrew.

“Let me explain,” replied the Doctor.

 

“When you look back, often, you tend to look back with guilt and regret. Regret for missed opportunities, for things that should have been done or said. Guilt for self-doubt, for not believing in yourself. It’s important, at such times, to forgive yourself,” explained the Doctor.

“It is not easy,” replied Andrew, his head hanging low.

 “But it’s necessary. Your younger self had neither the experience nor the wisdom as you do today. In fact, the very decisions you regret are the ones that make you capable of analysing them today. The sooner you make peace with your past, the better it is for your mental health. The burden of guilt is too much for an old soul to bear.”

“That’s true. Although, at times you tend to feel that, maybe, an alternate route would have led you to a better place,” said Andrew.

“You can never be certain if a detour would have led to greener pastures,” explained the Doctor. “Trying to analyse the outcome of an event that did not occur is speculative at best. Don’t beat yourself up over what is done. Forgive, let go, and move on.”

 

 “So, finally dad is facing his demons today?”

“Yes,” replied the Doctor. “So, please do not intervene. Let him talk to himself, let him accuse himself, let him scold himself for eventually he will forgive himself. That is when you will truly have your father back.”

“I understand, Doctor. Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. Remember, Andrew, the one which you seek from yourself, is an apology that really matters!”

“I understand that now. I make a promise to myself today, to never brush this important conversation under the carpet.”

“That’s good, Andrew. I wish you all the best. If you can fulfil that promise, trust me, you won’t need to see me again,” smiled the Doctor.

“I hope I never have to!” replied Andrew.

“Let’s go and check on your dad now.”

 

Andrew quietly pushed open the door and peeked. A smile found its way to his face. There was a magical glow on John’s face. He had opened the curtains and the window. He looked happy basking in the warm sunlight that entered through the window. With deep breaths he enjoyed the fresh crisp winter air.

“Andrew,” he said with a smile. “Come here, look, it’s such a beautiful day!”

Andrew’s eyes welled up. “Indeed, dad. Today is a beautiful day!”

Andrew rushed in and hugged his father. Doctor Kane followed him inside. “Welcome back, John!”

“Thank you, Doctor. Dark have been my days of late. It’s only you who made me see the light again. I am forever indebted to you.”

“Just doing my duty, John,” said Kane. He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.